I didn’t mean to do what I did. Truthfully, I was scared.
There I was, standing at the corner of Wilshire and Fairfax, ready to go to work. That’s when the 6′4 shirtless white dude wearing 70’s basketball shorts approached me. Yes, he only had one thing, a DVD boxed set of your show, “Charmed”.
And to be as bat sh*t crazy as he was, and to not be wearing a shirt, he looked pretty normal.
“Hey man, I need to find her! I need to find Alyssa Milano!” She needs to know that I’m the one that saved her from hell! She was protected by me! My body is beautiful. She’ll love it, won’t she?”
It was terrified. So I said “Yes”.
“Hey, where is Alyssa Milano? Do you know where she is? I have to find her and let her know I saved her. Please be nice to me! No one else will help me!”
“Its okay man, calm down. She’s in the pacific palisades right now.”
“Thank you so much! What’s your name?”
I had to be honest.
“John. My name is John.”
“Thank you John. I’m gonna go run to get her right now! Once she sees me, she’ll remember my spirit, and she’ll have to let me move in with her right? And we’ll get married, right? Hey John, is she single?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure she is.”
“Thanks so much, John.”
“You’re welcome sir.”
I hate you, Yassir. Hey, is that a baseball player behind you? He must be new. We haven’t slept together yet.
This is the point where Alyssa Milano superfan took my hand to thank me. I told him to have a good day. He let go.
This is the point where I notice all of the open sores on his hands.
Aaaaaand this is the point where I washed my hands with water so hot when I got to work that I nearly took off the skin.
If you take nothing else from this story, I hope its this:
If you know Alyssa Milano, tell her to stay the hell away from Pacific Palisades.
Sincerely,
Yassir.
PS, if anybody knows this guy, don’t show him this entry. He may not quite understand the sarcasm.
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